Washing Walls

A few weeks ago, I spent some time with my paternal grandmother. She is a truly amazing woman who has worked hard her whole life. In her eighties now, she bemoans the fact that she can no longer go roller skating or drive. She still volunteers to sleep on the floor whenever there aren't enough beds to go around (yeah, right!). And she constantly tries to help others and not be "burdensome." Somehow she manages to get birthday cards out on time to four children, nineteen grandchildren and twenty-five (ish) great grandchildren. She is incredible!

Being the hardworker that she is, she never really struck me as that happy-go-lucky when I was a child. But as an adult, I've been introduced to the fun and humorous sides of my grandmother that I sometimes overlooked when I was young.

So, as we were cleaning up her house, I started asking her questions about her parenting style. "Did she ever play with her children?" I wondered. "Of course," she responded, "we washed walls together..."

That explains a lot!

Our Weaknesses Can Become Our Strengths

I've been thinking quite a bit about weaknesses and strengths lately. A scripture in the Book of Mormon specifically promises that God can make our weaknesses our strengths. It says, in part, "I give unto men weakness, that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I've always thought of this scripture as a transformational one - that is, that God will take our weaknesses and turn them into strengths. In other words, the weakness will disappear, and strength will be left in its place. But recently, I've been thinking that there may be another interpretation. This thought was sparked by two experiences.

First, one of my colleagues is expecting her first child. She is very excited and has gone through a LOT to get to this point. But the pregnancy has been difficult, and she has had moments of severe physical distress. The other day, as she came into the office, she collapsed on the floor. She was having difficulty breathing and had clearly gone through a lot of physical trauma to make it into the office. Tears were glistening in her eyes. She was weak, unable to move. And yet, at that moment, I was amazed by her absolute strength. Her strength of purpose. Her strength of composure, even in the face of this difficult and frightening moment. It was the moment of her greatest weakness that most showcased her greatest strength. Strength and weakness coexisted. The strength, to some extent, was born of her weakness. But it did not replace it.

Second, I was thinking of a friend of mine the other day and immediately sent her an email because I knew that if I didn't do it right at that moment, I would forget about it. As I did so, I realized that my weakness (poor memory) was, in that moment, actually a strength (immediacy of action). Because I know I forget things, I am more likely to act quickly on the little reminders and promptings I feel. The weakness is still there, but it acts as a strength.

So now when I look at the weaknesses in my life and character, I will try to remember that just because there is a weakness, that doesn't mean there isn't also a strength. And most likely, the strength itself is born of the weakness.

Positive Attitude or Denial?

It’s funny how I seem to keep ending up back at the same questions. Obviously I’ve not figured them out yet because if I had, I would expect to end up somewhere new. The question is: What is the difference between a positive attitude and denial? And the reverse corollary: What is the difference between pessimism and realism? And a related question: Where do you draw the line? I mean, we all know that we need to have a positive attitude and happy is as happy does, to some extent, but we also need to vent, right? So we don’t stuff our emotions and have them rise to the surface in embarrassing sobbing ways as sometimes seems to happen to some people? (Not me, of course.)

When I was young, I heard a story about a guy who had a phenomenally positive attitude. Whenever anyone asked him how he was, he would respond, "I'm doing great! If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." Well, one day he was in a serious car accident and when they brought him into the ER, it was pretty clear that he would not survive. But amazingly, he was conscious, so the doctor asked him how he was and he responded, "If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." The narrator of the story then would add that it was this attitude that enabled him to survive his horrific injuries.

But I've met people like that in my own life too. Whenever you ask them how their day is going or how they are, they answer “Great!” Pretty much regardless of how the day has actually been. For me, it leads me to not trust them on much of anything. To me, it is an untruth to respond in such a way if everything has been going wrong all day long and you are very frustrated. And, of course, I’m talking from the perspective of a very close friend. Obviously you don’t need to share every gory detail of everything with every person you meet on the street. After all, “Hi, how are ya?” has become a greeting rather than an actual question here in America (a fact which is extremely confusing and disconcerting to many foreigners).

For myself, I may err too far on the side of realism – that is, if I’m having a rough day, I’ll say something like “I’m hanging in there” or “I’ve been better.” True, I could say, “I’ve been worse” because in most cases that would be absolutely true. But would that really be any more positive? I mean, it sounds more negative even though it's meant as a positive. Plus, I guess I work on the assumption that people want to actually know the answer to the question – that they actually care. If I assumed they didn't care, I’d just answer “Fine.”

But how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from being honest to being too negative? Or from being positive to being completely in denial about your situation?

As I said, if I had the answers, I would probably be able to stop asking the questions.

Attitude of Gratitude

I know it's so cliche to write a post about gratitude on Thanksgiving, but cliche or not, I think it's important. It always helps maintain perspective during rough times. And if you write things down, you can always go back and read them when you feel like you are having a hard time coming up with anything new to be grateful for. Of course, given all the amazingness of the world and our lives, we shouldn't have too many of those moments. But, being human, sometimes we do.

Thinking about gratitude reminds me of my mom. She had cancer three times while I was growing up. She was a really strong woman who made difficult choices and tried to maintain a positive attitude even in the midst of her challenges. During her third battle with cancer, she was confined to a bed in a nursing home and was no longer able to do so many of the things she loved.

One day, she decided to start a gratitude journal. Every day, she would make a list of 20 or so things she was grateful for. Her lists were simple, but they were heartfelt. And trying to come up with things to add to the list kept her looking for the silver lining, the positives - despite the trials of the day.

Her gratitude lists included things like: vanilla ice cream, my children, television, friends who visit, a nurse's aide who gave a gentle bath, lilac soap, going outside, fresh air, college football, pain medication, etc. etc.

A few years ago, I was going through a rough time myself and realized that my own attitude was slipping into the realm of the negative. So I took a page from my mother's book, and started keeping a list on my wall. I was amazed at the difference it made in my attitude. As I was walking to or from the metro, or interacting with my colleagues, or just generally going about my daily activities, I found myself looking for things to add to my list when I got home. Sometimes, as I'd be walking home, I'd realize I hadn't come up with anything yet, and I would start to look at the world with new eyes - eyes of gratitude. In so doing, I noticed things I wouldn't otherwise have noticed - like the vividness of flowers in bloom or leaves in fall color, the beautiful gurgling of the little stream I passed, the coolness of the breeze on my cheek, the delighted shriek of children playing on the playground. These were moments of beauty, for which I was grateful, but which might have passed me by altogether unnoticed had I not been focusing specifically on finding something to add to my gratitude wall.

Fortunately, this year, finding things to be grateful for is exceedingly simple. I am so grateful for the good health I enjoy, for my brother and his family, for the chance to play trains with my nephew, for the moments I've been able to hold my little niece as she falls asleep, for strong job prospects (I think I will have a job by the end of next week!), for a car that allows me to travel the 2.5 hours to get to my interviews, for friends and family who are so supportive, for parents who raised me to be responsible and happy, for God who provides me with every breath and every opportunity for growth, for opportunities for growth - painful as they sometimes are.... The list could really go on forever, but my time is limited, so I will have to stop there for now.

Things Never Turn Out Quite Like You Plan Them

It's kind of funny how things turn out. I was really getting ready for a big move from the East coast out to the West, given the lack of job prospects I found. After having submitted probably 400-600 applications, I was still jobless. Furthermore, I wasn't even getting interviews. I'd had my resume reviewed by several career centers and specialists, had incorporated various minor changes, always tailored each resume for the specific job I was applying for and still...nothing. This month, therefore, was a little discouraging. Despite spending at least eight hours a day, sometimes more, putting in applications and searching for a job, I kept hitting dead ends.

Fortunately, I've been staying with my brother and his family, which has been an awesome experience. Playing with my nephew and niece really broke up the monotony of my days and there's nothing like the joy of a child to ease any discouragement in your heart. I'm so incredibly blessed to have family relatively close by and even more blessed that they're willing to have me stay with them for a little while.

When I started staying here, I made a promise to myself that I would not stay too long. I really didn't want to become a burden and I realized that having a prolonged house guest, even if it's family (or maybe ESPECIALLY if it's family), can quickly deteriorate into the realm of the burdensome. So I made a deal with God: if I don't have any decent job prospects by the end of October, I will assume You don't want me to stay in the East anymore and I will begin a trek west. Most of my family's out West, so I figured I could do some pretty extensive (and hopefully not too burdensome) couch-hopping out there, if needed.

Despite this "deal," I had really not expected to head west. Until about 1.5 weeks ago. As the end of the month approached, it became clear that things weren't going to break and I needed to prepare myself. So I began making plans, determining how to rid myself of all the rest of my belongings (whatever won't fit in my car), etc. etc.

And then, suddenly, everything changed. Within two days, I was called in for four interviews.

What?!?

So, all my travel plans were nixed and I am staying in the East to pursue these job prospects. Hopefully something will pan out. But if not, at least I get a little break from the monotony of October's job search.

You provide the Inputs, I'll take care of the Outcomes

A lot has changed in the last few weeks. My life, it seems, is in perpetual upheaval and no matter how hard I try to establish some sort of routine, things still seem to be constantly changing. Given my intense affinity for routine, this has been pretty rough on me.

At the end of September, I moved out of my apartment, which I loved. I called it my one luxury in life. My lease expired on September 30 and, since I'm still unemployed, I didn't feel like I could risk signing a new lease. My plan was to get a job before the move, but my life has certainly not been going according to plan lately.

So I got rid of most of my worldly possessions, put the rest in storage, and went to crash with my brother BJ and his wife LB. Fortunately, we get along well and it gives me an awesome opportunity to play with my little nephew CBG, who is really into trains, and my 5 month old niece MBG.

Anyway, just after I moved out of my apartment (the day after, in fact), I took the foreign service oral assessment. I hadn't prepared as much as I would have liked, but, frankly, I had forgotten I was scheduled to take it so soon until just three weeks before. And it had pretty much gotten lost in the shuffle of the move and the funeral and everything. I even debated about taking it at all, given my lack of preparation. But ultimately I decided that since it was the only door that was even slightly open, I should pursue it.

Not surprisingly, I didn't pass. But I learned a lot and hope that next time I'll be successful.

So the search for employment continues.

I'm putting in 4-6 applications a day, working networks as much as I can, and praying for a miracle.

But I have to admit it gets pretty demoralizing. My job was the one area in my life where I felt success and fulfillment. I felt like I was really making a difference. And that's important to me.

So I've been praying a lot, seeking guidance and comfort from my Heavenly Father, who knows the whole plan and is holding me in His hands. As I was praying last week, I received a very strong impression, "You provide the inputs, I'll take care of the outcomes." I love that God sometimes speaks to me in soundbytes. It shows how well He knows me. At that moment, I realized that I really don't have any control over outcomes right now. I can't force someone to hire me. I can't make things work out the way I want them to. I just have to keep putting in the inputs - keeping myself as strong spiritually as I can by studying God's word, praying, and living the teachings of Christ; putting in applications and resumes; talking to people about my expertise; maintaining a positive attitude; and continuing to move forward.

While it's frustrating not to understand the form that "continuing to move forward" will take, it's comforting to know what God expects from me at the moment. And to some extent, what I should expect from God. The outcomes are in His hands.

Strength of Family

My family is an amazing - and amazingly large - one. We are fortunate in that we are all very close. My siblings somehow married exceptionally well (there really is a God!) and this has expanded our network of support and love even further.

I like to think I am the favorite aunt to my 20+ nieces and nephews and I look forward to the arrival of each new child with such anticipation. I was especially thrilled when I learned that J & M were expecting their first child after years of trying.

So when I got a phone call at 12:12 am on September 13, I was thrilled. It had to be notification of the long-awaited arrival of this child. After all, why else would anyone call so late/early?

But when I heard my father's voice, I immediately knew something was wrong.

BMG, my youngest nephew to this point, was born early Monday morning. But his birth did not bring the joy that was anticipated. Instead it brought heartache and sorrow. He was stillborn, having died only hours before his delivery. He was a perfectly formed, beautiful little baby boy, who was so anticipated and so loved by so many, even before his birth.

J (my brother) and M (my sister-in-law) have gone through so much to have this little boy. They have waited patiently through many months, even years, of "trying" and ultimately through medical intervention. They had read books, strengthened their bodies, decorated and prepared the nursery. They had argued over names and diaper bags and all the little things that accompany the reception of a new child into this world. M had quit her job and endured PUPPS. She was so excited, and J could speak of nothing else.

So you can imagine, to a small degree, the absolute devastation wrought by this unexpected news of BMG's death. We all feel for J & M, wish there was something we could do or say, want to hold them in our embrace forever, because that is how long it seems the pain will last.

And so the family gathered. How could we not? We have come together so many countless times to celebrate new life, new unions, new opportunities. How could we not gather to commemorate new loss and new sorrow? How could we not stand with J & M, mourning with them, loving them, and praying for them?

The sorrow we feel is primarily for them, as none of us had the opportunity to meet or get to know BMG. And none of us can fathom the depths of their grief. We cannot make it better. We cannot take it away. And, in fact, we may make it worse - by thoughtless words, by the mere fact that there are so many little children and babies in the family. To ease their pain, we are helpless. All we can do is pray for them, love them, and never forget their first son, BMG.

As the family gathered, it was a very different situation than normal. While we still played games, went swimming, and got in heated discussions, J & M were always on our minds and prayers were constantly on our lips. Many tears were shed. And children were held more tightly to their parents' chests. Every parent imagined what it would be like if they were in J's and M's shoes. Every parent treasured the parenting moments more fully, recognizing how much J & M would give to have even the worst of them.

J & M were rocks. J worked so hard to ensure that everyone knew how grateful he was for even the little kindnesses shown to them in this difficult time. He remained optimistic about the future of his little family. And he created a memorial service that could open the doors for many to feel God's love for them.

M was truly amazing - from the moment BMG died, through the long labor and delivery that followed. And now, as her heart is broken, she is facing unbelievable grief with equally unbelievable grace and fortitude.

Both are inspirations to all who know them. And they are amazing parents to BMG.