Validation, Radiation and the Post Office

A friend of mine recently posted a YouTube video on his facebook page and, although it's a little out of character for me, I actually watched it. Even though it was more than 16 minutes long. I loved the depiction of the impact of one person - one average person without a high-powered job, fame, or probably a fortune.

The video reminded me of a quote I'd heard the previous Sunday at church: "Every person who lives in this world wields an influence, whether for good or for evil. It is not what he says alone, it is not alone what he does. It is what he is. Every man, every person radiates what he or she is. Every person is a recipient of radiation...It is what we are and what we radiate that affects the people around us...The effect of our words and acts is tremendous in this world. Every moment of life you are changing to a degree the lives of the whole world. … So, it’s not the surroundings, it isn’t the positions; the thing that will influence [others] in this world, are personalities. No matter what you are people will feel and recognize this. You radiate, you can’t hide it. You may pretend something else, but that will not affect people." (from Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Lesson 24)

So, I started thinking about my own life and what I radiate. Do I validate people and reflect back to them their own wonderful, unique qualities? Do I radiate love and acceptance and support?

I had some errands to run on my lunch break and stopped at the post office. The line was pretty long. The two women working the counter did not look happy. The people in line looked impatient. My initial impulse was to join the line of impatient customers. I was in a hurry, after all. I only had so much time for my lunch break. But then I was reminded of Validation and Radiation and I started to look for something I could compliment the post office worker on when I finally got to the counter. Since I didn't know which woman would serve me, I studied them both and picked out qualities about their work that I felt I could truthfully compliment. When I reached the counter, I greeted the worker with a smile and told her what a great job she was doing in moving customers through the line quickly and efficiently. Although she didn't smile at me exactly, it was clear that what I said had a positive impact. It was also clear that she doesn't hear what a good job she's doing often enough.

I doubt that moment changed her life, but it changed mine. I realized that I really can radiate more positivity. I really can have a positive impact on the world around me, even though I inhabit only such a small corner of it.

Positive Attitude or Denial?

It’s funny how I seem to keep ending up back at the same questions. Obviously I’ve not figured them out yet because if I had, I would expect to end up somewhere new. The question is: What is the difference between a positive attitude and denial? And the reverse corollary: What is the difference between pessimism and realism? And a related question: Where do you draw the line? I mean, we all know that we need to have a positive attitude and happy is as happy does, to some extent, but we also need to vent, right? So we don’t stuff our emotions and have them rise to the surface in embarrassing sobbing ways as sometimes seems to happen to some people? (Not me, of course.)

When I was young, I heard a story about a guy who had a phenomenally positive attitude. Whenever anyone asked him how he was, he would respond, "I'm doing great! If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." Well, one day he was in a serious car accident and when they brought him into the ER, it was pretty clear that he would not survive. But amazingly, he was conscious, so the doctor asked him how he was and he responded, "If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." The narrator of the story then would add that it was this attitude that enabled him to survive his horrific injuries.

But I've met people like that in my own life too. Whenever you ask them how their day is going or how they are, they answer “Great!” Pretty much regardless of how the day has actually been. For me, it leads me to not trust them on much of anything. To me, it is an untruth to respond in such a way if everything has been going wrong all day long and you are very frustrated. And, of course, I’m talking from the perspective of a very close friend. Obviously you don’t need to share every gory detail of everything with every person you meet on the street. After all, “Hi, how are ya?” has become a greeting rather than an actual question here in America (a fact which is extremely confusing and disconcerting to many foreigners).

For myself, I may err too far on the side of realism – that is, if I’m having a rough day, I’ll say something like “I’m hanging in there” or “I’ve been better.” True, I could say, “I’ve been worse” because in most cases that would be absolutely true. But would that really be any more positive? I mean, it sounds more negative even though it's meant as a positive. Plus, I guess I work on the assumption that people want to actually know the answer to the question – that they actually care. If I assumed they didn't care, I’d just answer “Fine.”

But how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from being honest to being too negative? Or from being positive to being completely in denial about your situation?

As I said, if I had the answers, I would probably be able to stop asking the questions.