I Did It!

Well, I did it. I went to the beach. And I even swam in the ocean. Never mind that unconsciousness was hovering on the edge of my consciousness ready to take me into dreamland, or rather, the world of nightmares. And never mind that I collapsed on the shore for a while as my racing heart tried to beat itself out of my chest. In the end, I swam. And loved it. And it was worth the aftermath.

Take that, POTS!

No Fear!!

No Fear

A few weeks ago, I was walking to the metro on my way home from work. I wasn't feeling very well and a bright green patch of grass seemed really inviting. I did not, however, succumb to the invitation and continued on my way. However, a short time later, I found myself lying on concrete, surrounded by security officers, paramedics and curious onlookers and wished that perhaps I had chosen a more comfortable resting place - like that inviting piece of lawn. After five years of staying conscious, I had randomly fainted again.

At my worst, before I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) with Neurally Mediated Hypotension (NMH), I fainted 3-5 times a week. As you can imagine, it was a frightening time. It's never fun to wake up in random places, surrounded by a bunch of complete strangers. Or in an ER. Or in an ambulance with someone jabbing you five times trying to get an IV in you. It makes you afraid to go outside, to do the things you love, even to be alone. All you want to do is stay safe and sound in your room where you can lie down if you feel ill. And you can even pass out, but without an audience.

So, now that it's happened again, I am afraid. I am afraid to go on my long-planned beach vacation over Memorial Day weekend. I am afraid to go in the water. I am afraid of being a burden to my friends. I am afraid of landing in an ER far from home.

How do you overcome fear?

For me, I just have to face it. The day after I took my unscheduled nap on the concrete, I returned to work. I intentionally walked right by the place where it had happened, forcing myself to recognize that everything was ok, that it was a random occurrence, and (hopefully) not prone to happening again anytime soon.

Now, before I go on my morning runs, I have a new routine: Gather all my medical information into a little plastic baggie I will carry in my hand, drink my water and gatorade to ensure hydration, and stand at the door and repeat to myself over and over "NO FEAR!"

As for the beach? "NO FEAR" is my mantra!

A Wannabe Blogger

Clearly, I am not a real blogger. If I were, I would have blogged many more events and ideas and random thoughts over the past few months. Instead, I am just a wannabe. I run down the road, thinking random thoughts, seeing beautiful things, and contemplating what to include in my next entry. And then I come home and fall into bed. Or rush off to work. And by the time a moment frees itself for expression, my mind has once again become a clean slate - all real thought having fallen through the holes of my sieve-like mind.

However, do not fear. I have come up with a stellar system for capturing those random thoughts that will prove oh, so interesting to all my many blog followers...Texting. Whenever I have a random thought that seems fit for my blog, I text it to myself. Of course, the challenge is translating those texts into actual entries. That will be the next step.

Washing Walls

A few weeks ago, I spent some time with my paternal grandmother. She is a truly amazing woman who has worked hard her whole life. In her eighties now, she bemoans the fact that she can no longer go roller skating or drive. She still volunteers to sleep on the floor whenever there aren't enough beds to go around (yeah, right!). And she constantly tries to help others and not be "burdensome." Somehow she manages to get birthday cards out on time to four children, nineteen grandchildren and twenty-five (ish) great grandchildren. She is incredible!

Being the hardworker that she is, she never really struck me as that happy-go-lucky when I was a child. But as an adult, I've been introduced to the fun and humorous sides of my grandmother that I sometimes overlooked when I was young.

So, as we were cleaning up her house, I started asking her questions about her parenting style. "Did she ever play with her children?" I wondered. "Of course," she responded, "we washed walls together..."

That explains a lot!

Our Weaknesses Can Become Our Strengths

I've been thinking quite a bit about weaknesses and strengths lately. A scripture in the Book of Mormon specifically promises that God can make our weaknesses our strengths. It says, in part, "I give unto men weakness, that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." I've always thought of this scripture as a transformational one - that is, that God will take our weaknesses and turn them into strengths. In other words, the weakness will disappear, and strength will be left in its place. But recently, I've been thinking that there may be another interpretation. This thought was sparked by two experiences.

First, one of my colleagues is expecting her first child. She is very excited and has gone through a LOT to get to this point. But the pregnancy has been difficult, and she has had moments of severe physical distress. The other day, as she came into the office, she collapsed on the floor. She was having difficulty breathing and had clearly gone through a lot of physical trauma to make it into the office. Tears were glistening in her eyes. She was weak, unable to move. And yet, at that moment, I was amazed by her absolute strength. Her strength of purpose. Her strength of composure, even in the face of this difficult and frightening moment. It was the moment of her greatest weakness that most showcased her greatest strength. Strength and weakness coexisted. The strength, to some extent, was born of her weakness. But it did not replace it.

Second, I was thinking of a friend of mine the other day and immediately sent her an email because I knew that if I didn't do it right at that moment, I would forget about it. As I did so, I realized that my weakness (poor memory) was, in that moment, actually a strength (immediacy of action). Because I know I forget things, I am more likely to act quickly on the little reminders and promptings I feel. The weakness is still there, but it acts as a strength.

So now when I look at the weaknesses in my life and character, I will try to remember that just because there is a weakness, that doesn't mean there isn't also a strength. And most likely, the strength itself is born of the weakness.

Positive Attitude or Denial?

It’s funny how I seem to keep ending up back at the same questions. Obviously I’ve not figured them out yet because if I had, I would expect to end up somewhere new. The question is: What is the difference between a positive attitude and denial? And the reverse corollary: What is the difference between pessimism and realism? And a related question: Where do you draw the line? I mean, we all know that we need to have a positive attitude and happy is as happy does, to some extent, but we also need to vent, right? So we don’t stuff our emotions and have them rise to the surface in embarrassing sobbing ways as sometimes seems to happen to some people? (Not me, of course.)

When I was young, I heard a story about a guy who had a phenomenally positive attitude. Whenever anyone asked him how he was, he would respond, "I'm doing great! If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." Well, one day he was in a serious car accident and when they brought him into the ER, it was pretty clear that he would not survive. But amazingly, he was conscious, so the doctor asked him how he was and he responded, "If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." The narrator of the story then would add that it was this attitude that enabled him to survive his horrific injuries.

But I've met people like that in my own life too. Whenever you ask them how their day is going or how they are, they answer “Great!” Pretty much regardless of how the day has actually been. For me, it leads me to not trust them on much of anything. To me, it is an untruth to respond in such a way if everything has been going wrong all day long and you are very frustrated. And, of course, I’m talking from the perspective of a very close friend. Obviously you don’t need to share every gory detail of everything with every person you meet on the street. After all, “Hi, how are ya?” has become a greeting rather than an actual question here in America (a fact which is extremely confusing and disconcerting to many foreigners).

For myself, I may err too far on the side of realism – that is, if I’m having a rough day, I’ll say something like “I’m hanging in there” or “I’ve been better.” True, I could say, “I’ve been worse” because in most cases that would be absolutely true. But would that really be any more positive? I mean, it sounds more negative even though it's meant as a positive. Plus, I guess I work on the assumption that people want to actually know the answer to the question – that they actually care. If I assumed they didn't care, I’d just answer “Fine.”

But how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from being honest to being too negative? Or from being positive to being completely in denial about your situation?

As I said, if I had the answers, I would probably be able to stop asking the questions.

Attitude of Gratitude

I know it's so cliche to write a post about gratitude on Thanksgiving, but cliche or not, I think it's important. It always helps maintain perspective during rough times. And if you write things down, you can always go back and read them when you feel like you are having a hard time coming up with anything new to be grateful for. Of course, given all the amazingness of the world and our lives, we shouldn't have too many of those moments. But, being human, sometimes we do.

Thinking about gratitude reminds me of my mom. She had cancer three times while I was growing up. She was a really strong woman who made difficult choices and tried to maintain a positive attitude even in the midst of her challenges. During her third battle with cancer, she was confined to a bed in a nursing home and was no longer able to do so many of the things she loved.

One day, she decided to start a gratitude journal. Every day, she would make a list of 20 or so things she was grateful for. Her lists were simple, but they were heartfelt. And trying to come up with things to add to the list kept her looking for the silver lining, the positives - despite the trials of the day.

Her gratitude lists included things like: vanilla ice cream, my children, television, friends who visit, a nurse's aide who gave a gentle bath, lilac soap, going outside, fresh air, college football, pain medication, etc. etc.

A few years ago, I was going through a rough time myself and realized that my own attitude was slipping into the realm of the negative. So I took a page from my mother's book, and started keeping a list on my wall. I was amazed at the difference it made in my attitude. As I was walking to or from the metro, or interacting with my colleagues, or just generally going about my daily activities, I found myself looking for things to add to my list when I got home. Sometimes, as I'd be walking home, I'd realize I hadn't come up with anything yet, and I would start to look at the world with new eyes - eyes of gratitude. In so doing, I noticed things I wouldn't otherwise have noticed - like the vividness of flowers in bloom or leaves in fall color, the beautiful gurgling of the little stream I passed, the coolness of the breeze on my cheek, the delighted shriek of children playing on the playground. These were moments of beauty, for which I was grateful, but which might have passed me by altogether unnoticed had I not been focusing specifically on finding something to add to my gratitude wall.

Fortunately, this year, finding things to be grateful for is exceedingly simple. I am so grateful for the good health I enjoy, for my brother and his family, for the chance to play trains with my nephew, for the moments I've been able to hold my little niece as she falls asleep, for strong job prospects (I think I will have a job by the end of next week!), for a car that allows me to travel the 2.5 hours to get to my interviews, for friends and family who are so supportive, for parents who raised me to be responsible and happy, for God who provides me with every breath and every opportunity for growth, for opportunities for growth - painful as they sometimes are.... The list could really go on forever, but my time is limited, so I will have to stop there for now.