No Fear

A few weeks ago, I was walking to the metro on my way home from work. I wasn't feeling very well and a bright green patch of grass seemed really inviting. I did not, however, succumb to the invitation and continued on my way. However, a short time later, I found myself lying on concrete, surrounded by security officers, paramedics and curious onlookers and wished that perhaps I had chosen a more comfortable resting place - like that inviting piece of lawn. After five years of staying conscious, I had randomly fainted again.

At my worst, before I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) with Neurally Mediated Hypotension (NMH), I fainted 3-5 times a week. As you can imagine, it was a frightening time. It's never fun to wake up in random places, surrounded by a bunch of complete strangers. Or in an ER. Or in an ambulance with someone jabbing you five times trying to get an IV in you. It makes you afraid to go outside, to do the things you love, even to be alone. All you want to do is stay safe and sound in your room where you can lie down if you feel ill. And you can even pass out, but without an audience.

So, now that it's happened again, I am afraid. I am afraid to go on my long-planned beach vacation over Memorial Day weekend. I am afraid to go in the water. I am afraid of being a burden to my friends. I am afraid of landing in an ER far from home.

How do you overcome fear?

For me, I just have to face it. The day after I took my unscheduled nap on the concrete, I returned to work. I intentionally walked right by the place where it had happened, forcing myself to recognize that everything was ok, that it was a random occurrence, and (hopefully) not prone to happening again anytime soon.

Now, before I go on my morning runs, I have a new routine: Gather all my medical information into a little plastic baggie I will carry in my hand, drink my water and gatorade to ensure hydration, and stand at the door and repeat to myself over and over "NO FEAR!"

As for the beach? "NO FEAR" is my mantra!