Positive Attitude or Denial?

It’s funny how I seem to keep ending up back at the same questions. Obviously I’ve not figured them out yet because if I had, I would expect to end up somewhere new. The question is: What is the difference between a positive attitude and denial? And the reverse corollary: What is the difference between pessimism and realism? And a related question: Where do you draw the line? I mean, we all know that we need to have a positive attitude and happy is as happy does, to some extent, but we also need to vent, right? So we don’t stuff our emotions and have them rise to the surface in embarrassing sobbing ways as sometimes seems to happen to some people? (Not me, of course.)

When I was young, I heard a story about a guy who had a phenomenally positive attitude. Whenever anyone asked him how he was, he would respond, "I'm doing great! If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." Well, one day he was in a serious car accident and when they brought him into the ER, it was pretty clear that he would not survive. But amazingly, he was conscious, so the doctor asked him how he was and he responded, "If I were doing any better, I'd be twins." The narrator of the story then would add that it was this attitude that enabled him to survive his horrific injuries.

But I've met people like that in my own life too. Whenever you ask them how their day is going or how they are, they answer “Great!” Pretty much regardless of how the day has actually been. For me, it leads me to not trust them on much of anything. To me, it is an untruth to respond in such a way if everything has been going wrong all day long and you are very frustrated. And, of course, I’m talking from the perspective of a very close friend. Obviously you don’t need to share every gory detail of everything with every person you meet on the street. After all, “Hi, how are ya?” has become a greeting rather than an actual question here in America (a fact which is extremely confusing and disconcerting to many foreigners).

For myself, I may err too far on the side of realism – that is, if I’m having a rough day, I’ll say something like “I’m hanging in there” or “I’ve been better.” True, I could say, “I’ve been worse” because in most cases that would be absolutely true. But would that really be any more positive? I mean, it sounds more negative even though it's meant as a positive. Plus, I guess I work on the assumption that people want to actually know the answer to the question – that they actually care. If I assumed they didn't care, I’d just answer “Fine.”

But how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from being honest to being too negative? Or from being positive to being completely in denial about your situation?

As I said, if I had the answers, I would probably be able to stop asking the questions.

Attitude of Gratitude

I know it's so cliche to write a post about gratitude on Thanksgiving, but cliche or not, I think it's important. It always helps maintain perspective during rough times. And if you write things down, you can always go back and read them when you feel like you are having a hard time coming up with anything new to be grateful for. Of course, given all the amazingness of the world and our lives, we shouldn't have too many of those moments. But, being human, sometimes we do.

Thinking about gratitude reminds me of my mom. She had cancer three times while I was growing up. She was a really strong woman who made difficult choices and tried to maintain a positive attitude even in the midst of her challenges. During her third battle with cancer, she was confined to a bed in a nursing home and was no longer able to do so many of the things she loved.

One day, she decided to start a gratitude journal. Every day, she would make a list of 20 or so things she was grateful for. Her lists were simple, but they were heartfelt. And trying to come up with things to add to the list kept her looking for the silver lining, the positives - despite the trials of the day.

Her gratitude lists included things like: vanilla ice cream, my children, television, friends who visit, a nurse's aide who gave a gentle bath, lilac soap, going outside, fresh air, college football, pain medication, etc. etc.

A few years ago, I was going through a rough time myself and realized that my own attitude was slipping into the realm of the negative. So I took a page from my mother's book, and started keeping a list on my wall. I was amazed at the difference it made in my attitude. As I was walking to or from the metro, or interacting with my colleagues, or just generally going about my daily activities, I found myself looking for things to add to my list when I got home. Sometimes, as I'd be walking home, I'd realize I hadn't come up with anything yet, and I would start to look at the world with new eyes - eyes of gratitude. In so doing, I noticed things I wouldn't otherwise have noticed - like the vividness of flowers in bloom or leaves in fall color, the beautiful gurgling of the little stream I passed, the coolness of the breeze on my cheek, the delighted shriek of children playing on the playground. These were moments of beauty, for which I was grateful, but which might have passed me by altogether unnoticed had I not been focusing specifically on finding something to add to my gratitude wall.

Fortunately, this year, finding things to be grateful for is exceedingly simple. I am so grateful for the good health I enjoy, for my brother and his family, for the chance to play trains with my nephew, for the moments I've been able to hold my little niece as she falls asleep, for strong job prospects (I think I will have a job by the end of next week!), for a car that allows me to travel the 2.5 hours to get to my interviews, for friends and family who are so supportive, for parents who raised me to be responsible and happy, for God who provides me with every breath and every opportunity for growth, for opportunities for growth - painful as they sometimes are.... The list could really go on forever, but my time is limited, so I will have to stop there for now.

Things Never Turn Out Quite Like You Plan Them

It's kind of funny how things turn out. I was really getting ready for a big move from the East coast out to the West, given the lack of job prospects I found. After having submitted probably 400-600 applications, I was still jobless. Furthermore, I wasn't even getting interviews. I'd had my resume reviewed by several career centers and specialists, had incorporated various minor changes, always tailored each resume for the specific job I was applying for and still...nothing. This month, therefore, was a little discouraging. Despite spending at least eight hours a day, sometimes more, putting in applications and searching for a job, I kept hitting dead ends.

Fortunately, I've been staying with my brother and his family, which has been an awesome experience. Playing with my nephew and niece really broke up the monotony of my days and there's nothing like the joy of a child to ease any discouragement in your heart. I'm so incredibly blessed to have family relatively close by and even more blessed that they're willing to have me stay with them for a little while.

When I started staying here, I made a promise to myself that I would not stay too long. I really didn't want to become a burden and I realized that having a prolonged house guest, even if it's family (or maybe ESPECIALLY if it's family), can quickly deteriorate into the realm of the burdensome. So I made a deal with God: if I don't have any decent job prospects by the end of October, I will assume You don't want me to stay in the East anymore and I will begin a trek west. Most of my family's out West, so I figured I could do some pretty extensive (and hopefully not too burdensome) couch-hopping out there, if needed.

Despite this "deal," I had really not expected to head west. Until about 1.5 weeks ago. As the end of the month approached, it became clear that things weren't going to break and I needed to prepare myself. So I began making plans, determining how to rid myself of all the rest of my belongings (whatever won't fit in my car), etc. etc.

And then, suddenly, everything changed. Within two days, I was called in for four interviews.

What?!?

So, all my travel plans were nixed and I am staying in the East to pursue these job prospects. Hopefully something will pan out. But if not, at least I get a little break from the monotony of October's job search.

You provide the Inputs, I'll take care of the Outcomes

A lot has changed in the last few weeks. My life, it seems, is in perpetual upheaval and no matter how hard I try to establish some sort of routine, things still seem to be constantly changing. Given my intense affinity for routine, this has been pretty rough on me.

At the end of September, I moved out of my apartment, which I loved. I called it my one luxury in life. My lease expired on September 30 and, since I'm still unemployed, I didn't feel like I could risk signing a new lease. My plan was to get a job before the move, but my life has certainly not been going according to plan lately.

So I got rid of most of my worldly possessions, put the rest in storage, and went to crash with my brother BJ and his wife LB. Fortunately, we get along well and it gives me an awesome opportunity to play with my little nephew CBG, who is really into trains, and my 5 month old niece MBG.

Anyway, just after I moved out of my apartment (the day after, in fact), I took the foreign service oral assessment. I hadn't prepared as much as I would have liked, but, frankly, I had forgotten I was scheduled to take it so soon until just three weeks before. And it had pretty much gotten lost in the shuffle of the move and the funeral and everything. I even debated about taking it at all, given my lack of preparation. But ultimately I decided that since it was the only door that was even slightly open, I should pursue it.

Not surprisingly, I didn't pass. But I learned a lot and hope that next time I'll be successful.

So the search for employment continues.

I'm putting in 4-6 applications a day, working networks as much as I can, and praying for a miracle.

But I have to admit it gets pretty demoralizing. My job was the one area in my life where I felt success and fulfillment. I felt like I was really making a difference. And that's important to me.

So I've been praying a lot, seeking guidance and comfort from my Heavenly Father, who knows the whole plan and is holding me in His hands. As I was praying last week, I received a very strong impression, "You provide the inputs, I'll take care of the outcomes." I love that God sometimes speaks to me in soundbytes. It shows how well He knows me. At that moment, I realized that I really don't have any control over outcomes right now. I can't force someone to hire me. I can't make things work out the way I want them to. I just have to keep putting in the inputs - keeping myself as strong spiritually as I can by studying God's word, praying, and living the teachings of Christ; putting in applications and resumes; talking to people about my expertise; maintaining a positive attitude; and continuing to move forward.

While it's frustrating not to understand the form that "continuing to move forward" will take, it's comforting to know what God expects from me at the moment. And to some extent, what I should expect from God. The outcomes are in His hands.

Strength of Family

My family is an amazing - and amazingly large - one. We are fortunate in that we are all very close. My siblings somehow married exceptionally well (there really is a God!) and this has expanded our network of support and love even further.

I like to think I am the favorite aunt to my 20+ nieces and nephews and I look forward to the arrival of each new child with such anticipation. I was especially thrilled when I learned that J & M were expecting their first child after years of trying.

So when I got a phone call at 12:12 am on September 13, I was thrilled. It had to be notification of the long-awaited arrival of this child. After all, why else would anyone call so late/early?

But when I heard my father's voice, I immediately knew something was wrong.

BMG, my youngest nephew to this point, was born early Monday morning. But his birth did not bring the joy that was anticipated. Instead it brought heartache and sorrow. He was stillborn, having died only hours before his delivery. He was a perfectly formed, beautiful little baby boy, who was so anticipated and so loved by so many, even before his birth.

J (my brother) and M (my sister-in-law) have gone through so much to have this little boy. They have waited patiently through many months, even years, of "trying" and ultimately through medical intervention. They had read books, strengthened their bodies, decorated and prepared the nursery. They had argued over names and diaper bags and all the little things that accompany the reception of a new child into this world. M had quit her job and endured PUPPS. She was so excited, and J could speak of nothing else.

So you can imagine, to a small degree, the absolute devastation wrought by this unexpected news of BMG's death. We all feel for J & M, wish there was something we could do or say, want to hold them in our embrace forever, because that is how long it seems the pain will last.

And so the family gathered. How could we not? We have come together so many countless times to celebrate new life, new unions, new opportunities. How could we not gather to commemorate new loss and new sorrow? How could we not stand with J & M, mourning with them, loving them, and praying for them?

The sorrow we feel is primarily for them, as none of us had the opportunity to meet or get to know BMG. And none of us can fathom the depths of their grief. We cannot make it better. We cannot take it away. And, in fact, we may make it worse - by thoughtless words, by the mere fact that there are so many little children and babies in the family. To ease their pain, we are helpless. All we can do is pray for them, love them, and never forget their first son, BMG.

As the family gathered, it was a very different situation than normal. While we still played games, went swimming, and got in heated discussions, J & M were always on our minds and prayers were constantly on our lips. Many tears were shed. And children were held more tightly to their parents' chests. Every parent imagined what it would be like if they were in J's and M's shoes. Every parent treasured the parenting moments more fully, recognizing how much J & M would give to have even the worst of them.

J & M were rocks. J worked so hard to ensure that everyone knew how grateful he was for even the little kindnesses shown to them in this difficult time. He remained optimistic about the future of his little family. And he created a memorial service that could open the doors for many to feel God's love for them.

M was truly amazing - from the moment BMG died, through the long labor and delivery that followed. And now, as her heart is broken, she is facing unbelievable grief with equally unbelievable grace and fortitude.

Both are inspirations to all who know them. And they are amazing parents to BMG.

Islam in America

It's been so fascinating to me to watch the controversy surrounding September 11. Some of the controversy began earlier this year when it was announced that a mosque would be built within a few blocks of the former site of the World Trade Centers in New York. The controversy and conflict continued to grow at the announcement from a pastor in Florida that he was planning an event where he and his congregation would burn copies of the Qur'an in commemoration of the September 11 terrorist attack.

So many thoughts and feelings have been stirred in my own mind and heart in the face of these controversies, and it is clear that I am not alone.

However, I find it an extremely sad commentary on our own society that many among us appear incapable of entering into rational and open dialogue on this issue and instead resort to vitriolic attacks, hate-filled epithets, and symbolic gestures that seem designed to inspire rage. The rationale behind these activities is often unclear, although I've heard people use the following arguments: burning the Qur'an is acceptable because others burn the US flag; violent attacks on Muslims here in the US are acceptable because Muslims have attacked Americans; and religious intolerance is acceptable vis-a-vis Islam because Islam is not a peaceful religion and its scriptures are filled with violence.

But in my mind, these arguments have little weight and each is easily overturned. When I was a little girl and I did something wrong, my mom would ask me why. Often, I would respond that Becky did it or Julia did it, so I thought I should do it too. Of course, my mother then asked, "If Becky or Julia jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?" Even as a child, I learned that just because someone else does something, it doesn't make it right for me to do it too. So just because I've seen videos of others burning my flag or flying planes into buildings in my own country, or even attacking random Americans on the street, I still shouldn't just run out and commit those same acts against others. There are other ways to deal with the problems.

Growing up in a family with six brothers was also a good learning experience for me. Personal space was a big issue and when one of my brothers poked me, I'll admit that I poked back. My parents, however, responded in a very appropriate manner. If the incident came to their attention, both my brother and I were punished. After all, as they said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

Maybe this seems to be a simplistic approach. But I don't understand why people keep trying to make simple things seem more complex than they are. We are all people, and at an individual level, we are more similar than we are different. If we keep that in mind, it becomes so much easier to be kind to others.

The comparison between religions has been especially interesting to me. I've heard countless Christians comment that the Qur'an is full of violence and therefore Islam cannot be considered a peaceful religion. I'm always surprised by this because the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, is so full of violence. As a child, I frequently questioned my mother on how Christianity could have been based in so much violence. How many times did the Israelites, under the command of God, invade a land, kill all the men and often the women and children? Even when they were not at war.

And violence was not limited just to the Old Testament: the Crusades conducted in the name of Christianity in the Middle Ages were also horrifically violent and included enforced conversion.

And what of the more recent religious wars and tensions such as in Yugoslavia between the Bosnians and the Serbs? In some areas, religious genocide was committed against Bosnian Muslims (according to a ruling by the International Court of Justice). Genocide is pretty huge and genocide based on religion is the ultimate intolerance.

Having worked for the last several years on programs specifically designed to showcase the interfaith cooperation in America, and through it, having interacted with Muslims all over the world, I have to say, I find our similarities more compelling than our differences. And I really hope that we can work together to make the world a better, more loving and forgiving place. I hope that my Muslim friends will not hold me accountable for acts of violence committed by other Christians and I will not hold them accountable for acts of violence they have not committed.

Nonprofits through the Recession

A few days ago, my dad sent me a link to an article on the status of nonprofits during the recession. I'm not sure if it was meant to make me feel more hopeful that I might yet find a job in the nonprofit sector or to make me feel bad for the failure of the nonprofit that just laid me off. Since it was from my dad, I'm guessing it was probably the former.

Anyway, I found the article, from NewsBlaze.com, quite interesting. The basic gist of it was that while many corporations have been laying people off, nonprofits have, in fact, grown, adding new jobs at an average rate of 2.5% per year between the second quarter of 2007 and the second quarter of 2009, which has apparently been classified as the worst of the recession.

Although many might respond to this information with surprise, I don't find it particularly astonishing for several reasons. First, if a nonprofit is well-run (and sometimes even if it's not), it will secure financing for its programs at least 1-2 years in advance. Many nonprofits try to work on a 3-5 year funding plan. Therefore, an organization working in September 2010 is working off of the funding secured (hopefully) in 2008 or, at the very latest, 2009. If this is the case, then the funding would have dipped in 2007-2009, so nonprofits should really be feeling the pinch now and in the next couple of years.

Second, as the article noted, the stimulus package was designed to funnel money to many organizations, including nonprofits - particularly those that provide services to individuals who were most directly affected by the recession. Such services include, but are certainly not limited to: food pantries and soup kitchens, homeless shelters, after-school programs, and employment services. Due to the recession, the need for these services grew substantially, and many individuals were hired to meet that need. However, the article failed to note the next point: that the recession will recede, demand for services will diminish, and individuals hired at the height of the recession may then be in danger of losing their jobs.

And finally, one thing to keep in mind is the mentality that predominates in the nonprofit sector: do more with less. Take cuts, if necessary, but keep on keepin' on. Do not abandon ship, no matter how much water you've taken on. I have seen organizations that have furloughed the entire staff and yet the work keeps getting done, the employees keep doing it, and the organization stays afloat despite little or no income. I have seen employees work around the clock for weeks and months at a time for a pittance, because they are so passionate about the work they do. This is very different from a corporate mentality, which is more focused on the bottom line and protecting it at all costs. On second thought, maybe it's not so different after all - perhaps it's just a different definition of that bottom line. For corporations, the bottom line is money. For nonprofits (in many cases), the bottom line is the mission.

So, overall, I think that the nonprofit recession is just getting started. I would bet that nonprofit layoffs and shutdowns typically lag behind corporate layoffs and shutdowns. If I were back in school, I might do a study on that...

Wondering About Trees

Have you ever wondered why tree branches grow the way they do? I love taking walks through nature and admiring the beauty of the world in which we live. For some reason, I'm really drawn to trees - the movement of the leaves as they dance in the breeze and shield me from the sun, the unique patterns of the bark, and the way the branches sometimes twist and turn as they grow.

So, if you look closely at a tree, you will notice, of course, that every so often, there's a new branch. And I wonder, what determines that at this particular point there will be a branch? And what determines the direction in which that branch will grow? I've seen trees where all the branches grow straight up, and others where the trees appear to be arthritic. Some trees grow in harsh, windy climates, so all the trees in one area may lean a little in one direction. But often their growth seems to me to be inexplicable; I can see no rhyme or reason for this growth.

Trees are very symbolic. They appear in secular and religious literature, poetry, and music. They symbolize, at times, shelter, love, calm, peace, and many other concepts, I'm sure. But at times, they can be symbolic of the individual - of every person who has had to fight through life, reaching upwards towards the sun, and expanding roots downwards to reach vital nutrients.

When I was young, my dad told the story of a tree that was unexpectedly split in two during a violent storm. No one could understand how such a venerable old tree could have been destroyed so easily. It seemed like a strong tree, with good, deep roots. And yet, it had been destroyed. Eventually, someone identified the problem. When the tree was relatively young, some kids that lived in the house had been using an axe to chop wood. Upon completion of the task, the kids put the axe in the crook of a branch for safekeeping. Their father told them to remove the axe, but they kept forgetting to do so. Over time, the tree grew new branches around the axe and it became completely overgrown. No one even knew it was there anymore. But the whole tree was weakened by its presence and when the storm came, the tree was entirely destroyed. A task that would have been so simple had it been completed right at the start (removing the axe), and which would have been lifesaving, became impossible and ultimately led to the demise of the tree.

It makes me think of the little things that I need to do right now, to strengthen my inner self - simple things that could potentially be lifesaving. And I hope I will have the wisdom and foresight to do them, so that when the storms come (as they do for everyone in this life), I will be able to stand strong.

Compelled to Write

I've always felt compelled to write, ever since I was a little girl. Initially, perhaps, I was compelled by my parents. They mandated quiet time on Sunday afternoons for all the children to write in their journals. It was tradition for each child to receive a brand new beautiful journal on his/her 4th birthday. During the quiet writing time, we would draw pictures in the journals, and then spend time with Mom or Dad, providing narration to accompany the pictures. It was clear from the start that I was no artist, so the narratives have proven absolutely invaluable!

As we grew older, of course, we began writing our own stories - spelling and grammar errors and all. In my younger years, at least half of my letters were backwards.

Although we sometimes (often) complained about this journal-writing tradition, it is one that has stuck with me throughout my life - and it has proven to be an amazing blessing in so many ways. First, because, as I've gotten older, memories have faded. I often say that my brain is like a sieve - full of holes through which memories and information leak out indiscriminately. As I read through my many journals, I'm amazed at the sheer volume of experiences I've had and completely forgotten. Also amusing is the number of experiences that I remember completely wrong!

Second, re-reading my journals in my adult life has allowed me to recognize patterns in my own behaviors. But not just patterns - changes also. As I go through the mundane day-to-day activities, growth is sometimes so gradual that it's imperceptible. But reading through past experiences really helps me to get a better understanding of the general trajectory of my life. And overall, I'd say I'm pleasantly surprised!

Third, life is really hard sometimes and there are definitely moments when I fell isolated from others and isolated even from God. But looking through my narratives of previous challenges, I can hold on to the fact that God has helped me through them. That He had a plan all along, even when I couldn't see it right off the bat. It gives me hope and strength to keep on keeping on.

And so, I thought I'd start a blog and share some of my experiences and random thoughts in cyberspace. I don't have any great theme or focus - just a compulsion to write.